Record: From Both Eyes (Self-released, 2024)

Honestly, I don’t really think I have any choice but to be vulnerable when I write songs! It’s one of the few places I can process what’s going on inside, so if I try to cover things up or hide behind some veil when writing, then there’s a level of authenticity missing.

Nan Macmillan

We might be living in the loneliest age ever. Maybe — there’s a lot of competition for such a sad title in our new upheaval, not the least being a renewed weight we now share with the years 1918 through 1922, when another world was forced to embrace a painfully familiar kind of “global modern.” War, pandemic, and technological innovation. Artists have always sought to illuminate their fears and doubts by looking inward, and then sharing their fragile exposure with us. But we don’t measure loneliness or fear in “epochs,” like we measure pandemics, war, and technological innovation. Maybe we should.

So when we each search for a new way out of our latest prison of modernism, how should we reveal ourselves? In an age when being known can carry an invasive price? Should we reveal ourselves? Not counting the toxic aspects of oversharing in an exploding digital dumpster fire (social media, hacking, shaming), there’s another great, if more private, cost: Losing the ability to trust everything — hoping for the best, but knowing we’re personally risking too much nevertheless. Sometimes it feels too hard to try.

Brooklyn-based recording artist Nan Macmillan bravely steps into this tender, searching space with her first full-length record, “From Both Eyes” (self-released, 2024). The heart of this record filled with heart, is the reveal — honest and confessional, these 10 songs don’t hide their vulnerability, they work it. Macmillan’s observations and confessions aren’t seeking absolution, but instead search for a way to overcome the illusion of perfection in favor of something more lasting — understanding and acceptance.

“Over the course of writing this album, I really tried to let go and to acknowledge the ways I’ve been hurt,” said Macmillan, in a recent email. “To acknowledge when things just really suck, and then to lean into the freedom and ultimate peace and joy that can come from speaking your mind truly.”

I feel a lot more sure of and comfortable with myself, now able to just relax and live my life and start focusing on my dreams, friendships, and relationships.

Nan Macmillan

There’s a conversation in some of the lyrics of several of Macmillan’s songs that points us to the new vocabulary and independence Macmillan is searching for in these sessions, captured at Bedtown Studios, a rural “farmhouse” recording studio. Several the record’s players as well as Macmillan’s co-producer, Alex Bingham (Hiss Golden Messenger, Viv & Riley), share a label home with Sleepy Cat Records, located in North Carolina. The choice of recording studio and personnel can be important ground for defining new opportunities and freedoms in an age of industry control.

“Before this record, I’d had a lot of experiences in the studio where I didn’t feel confident and at ease,” said Macmillan. “A big part of that has been developing my own opinions and creative tendencies, but also misogyny in the studio is a real thing! Most sessions I’ve been a part of are predominantly run by men, and it often feels like a boy’s club that you’re not invited to.”

“When we were recording ‘From Both Eyes,’ I always felt a sense of encouragement and excitement coming from my co-producer, Alex, and also from the rest of the team,” said Macmillan. “I could feel that he wanted to make something beautiful together on this record — he saw the potential in me and in my songs.”

Some of Macmillan’s gentle self-criticism in lyric form makes for almost unbearable listening at times, even as her songs have been crafted with such an honest, light touch. Macmillan’s message is yes, we can and should reveal ourselves to one another — rather than giving up — allow ourselves to let go of all that we can’t control.

“I definitely don’t want people to model themselves after my self-criticism! I can be super, overly self-critical and analytical (I’m a Virgo rising, if that resonates with anyone),” said Macmillan. “I hope that others find in these songs a brave willingness to look at yourself honestly and openly. To see what’s really in there, what desires and fears and hopes and hurts are all swirling around inside of you.

“Once you can reckon with all that,” added Macmillan, “you can begin to see yourself and the world around you as… blooming!”

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Credits

“New light” / photograph by Ilja Tulit on Unsplash.com
Nan Macmillan / artist photo by Alisa Price

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